Honor Begins in the Home - Exodus 20:12

Like I said last week, I guess family life is a topic that’s been on my mind, because in the last six months I’ve read two parenting books. One book wasn’t necessarily from a Christian perspective, while the other was from a Christian perspective. But what was really interesting about the Christian book is that it never mentioned the fifth commandment. 

I was pretty surprised by that. I don’t really understand how you can write a book on parenting from a Christian perspective and never mention the most significant commandment about raising children. The fifth commandment is absolutely foundational to raising children. 

Really, when you think about it, the New Testament exhortations about raising children are really just reinforcing what is said in the fifth commandment. Probably the most famous New Testament instructions on raising children comes from Ephesians 6:1-3 and it’s nothing more than the Apostle Paul reiterating the fifth commandment. 

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.””

Paul is literally quoting the fifth commandment in Ephesians 6. But the fifth commandment is absolutely critical for shaping a family’s life in the home, and outside of the home as well. Because historically the fifth commandment has been understood as not only a directive for building a home, but a directive for building a healthy society. 

That’s because a healthy society is not built merely through legislation, a healthy society is built in the home. A peaceful, happy society begins with honoring your father and mother. The crack that will ultimately break down your family and break down our society is when dishonor and disrespect are normalized in the home. 

Earlier this week, I was reading through the book of Deuteronomy chapter 21, and there God gives the people of Israel instructions for how to deal with a “rebellious son.”

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, 19 then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives…Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”

Similarly in Leviticus 20, we’re told “[If] anyone… curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him.”

Now obviously, I’m not advocating that we reinstate these Old Testament regulations, but I share it with you to simply illustrate how seriously God takes the fifth commandment! Dishonoring your parents is a very serious sin. 

Before we go much further, I think it goes without saying that none of us here have perfectly kept the fifth commandment. On some level we’ve all dishonored our father and mother, which is one of the reasons God gave the law in the first place—to show us our sin and need for Jesus Christ. 

There was only one person who has ever lived that has perfectly kept this commandment and it wasn’t you or me, which is why we and our children need Jesus. 

And so everything that’s said this morning hangs under that banner. But at the same time, we must remember that the law was also given to show us how to please God. So it’s our Christian duty to strive, albeit, imperfectly, towards honoring our fathers and mothers to the best of our ability.

Healthy home

Which is incredibly countercultural, because we live in a society where almost every modern television show depicts parents as ignorant and the children as the wiser, more competent ones. Authority is often mocked, fathers are portrayed as foolish or absent, and obedience is treated like something outdated or even harmful.

And when that’s the air we breathe, it subtly reshapes our instincts. We begin to question whether we should really expect respect, whether discipline is too harsh. But Scripture consistently presents a very different vision—one where parents are called to lead with wisdom and love, and children are called to respond with honor.

So to raise children who respect and obey their parents is not just good parenting—it’s a quiet act of resistance against a culture that has inverted God’s design.

When you study the ten commandments, one of the things you’ll realize is that the fifth commandment serves as a transition point. The first four commandments focus on our duty toward God, while the final six address our duty toward one another.

The fifth commandment bridges the gap between the two. It is the first command that governs human relationships, and notably, it begins in the home: “Honor your father and your mother.” That’s not accidental. God is showing us that rightly ordered relationships in society begin with rightly ordered relationships in the family.

In other words, before addressing broader social ethics like murder, adultery, or theft, God establishes the foundation—honor and authority within the home.

But really, the fifth commandment hangs on one little word: honor. Interestingly enough, the Hebrew word that’s translated in your Bible as honor is kavad. And kavad means “honor” or “glory.” And it’s the word that is often translated as glory when discussing God’s glory.

At its root, the word carries the idea of weightiness—something that is heavy, significant, not to be taken lightly. To honor someone, then, is to treat them as weighty, as valuable, as worthy of respect and careful consideration. It means you don’t dismiss them, ignore them, or speak of them lightly. You give them the kind of attention and regard that matches their God-given role.

So when God commands children to honor their father and mother, He’s not just calling for outward obedience. He’s calling for a posture of the heart that treats parents as significant—people whose words carry weight, whose position matters, and whose role should not be minimized. 

Mom and Dad this is the part of the sermon where you can feel free to nudge your kids. 

What the Lord wants us to understand is that a healthy home is built on a foundation of honor and respect. Children are called to honor and respect their parents, but fathers and mothers must first model it for them. Allowing a child to dishonor one parent undermines the entire structure of the home. After all, how will children learn what respect looks like if they never see it practiced? The home is the training ground, and what is cultivated there will shape them for years to come.

Dad and Mom, do you consistently show honor and respect to one another? Or do you tear each other down in front of your children? Do you show respect and honor to your parents’ and in-laws? Or again, do you tear them down in front of your children? And by the way, I’m fully aware that none of these people including your spouse are perfect. Your spouse is going to make mistakes. Your parents made mistakes. And there’s a chance that even your in-laws have made mistakes as well. 

But to a certain degree, none of  that matters if we’re unwilling to show honor and respect. How can you require honor and respect from your children if you are unwilling to show honor and respect to those God has called you to honor? Children are always watching. They learn what honor looks like not just from what you say, but from what you model.

That said, this commandment also requires wisdom and discernment. Some of you may have grown up in deeply unhealthy or even abusive homes, where persistent sin patterns against you were normalized. And perhaps, in those cases, the most loving and responsible thing may be to establish clear boundaries, even to the point of limiting contact for the sake of your children.

Showing honor does not mean you have to approve of or cover up sinful things that people have done. It may look like offering forgiveness when it hasn’t been earned, speaking truth in love without bitterness, or refusing to repay sin with sin. Honor, in those situations, is expressed not through blind submission, but through a posture of grace, restraint, and trust in God’s perfect justice.

And that’s important, because honor is not something that simply appears—it must be taught, cultivated, and reinforced over time. Which leads to another element that’s indirectly implied in the fifth commandment—discipline. Discipline is absolutely necessary for honor and respect to be established in your home.

It’s funny because people who question the doctrine of total depravity and the universal sinfulness of mankind typically don’t have kids. Because at some point as parents’ we’ve looked at each other and asked, “where did she learn that?” Discipline is one of the primary means God has given parents to shape their children. The Scriptures are not silent on the subject of discipline. 

The Proverbs are full of instruction on child-rearing: 

Proverbs 13:24 - “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

Proverbs 29:15 - “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”

Proverbs 29:17 - “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”

Ephesians 6:4 - “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

And it should go without saying that discipline must never be carried out in anger. Perhaps you noticed from the Scriptures I just quoted that many of them connect a true love for your children with discipline. If you want to see your children grow in honor and respect toward those God has placed over them you must faithfully discipline them. 

Parents who are unwilling or are afraid to discipline their children think they’re being compassionate, but in reality they’re failing their children and neglecting a God-given responsibility.

To withhold discipline is not to protect your child, but to leave them unformed, uncorrected, and ultimately unprepared for life. Every parent has felt the tension between recognizing the necessity of discipline and the desire to avoid conflict or correction because it’s such hard work! What parent hasn’t been there? But avoiding discipline over time produces great harm. No loving parent enjoys discipline, but they understand that the long term consequences far outweigh the short term pain. Because children thrive when they know where the boundaries are. They need clarity. They need parents who are willing to step in, correct, and guide them toward what is right.

Parents’ set their children up for failure when they abdicate their God-given responsibility to discipline them. 

I don’t endorse everything Jordan Peterson has ever said or done, but I did hear him make a comment once that has stuck with me. He said, “don’t let your children do anything that will make you dislike them.” He’s absolutely correct about that. 

And here’s the really important detail we must see: when parents require respect and honor they’re reflecting the love of God. Hebrews 12:5 reminds us, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”

That means discipline is not opposed to love—it is an expression of it. Parents’ who love their children discipline them. When parents correct their children, they are not acting harshly, but faithfully reflecting the love of their heavenly Father. 

God does not leave His children to wander aimlessly or persist in sin; He intervenes, corrects, and trains them for their good. That’s the process we call sanctification. In the same way, parental discipline helps children see that obedience matters, that sin has consequences, and that love is not passive, but active and intentional.

And so Mom and Dad, when your son or daughter inevitably looks at you and asks, “why are you disciplining me?” The answer isn’t, “because I’m mad.” The answer is, “I love you too much to let you continue in this.” It reflects the heart of a Father who does not abandon His children to their sin, but patiently and purposefully trains them in righteousness.

Healthy society

And as I’ve already said, a healthy home is foundational to building a healthy society. So the home goes, so the nation goes. 

The Westminster Standards actually interpret the fifth commandment in a very expansive way. Larger Catechism 124 says:

124. Who are meant by father and mother in the fifth commandment?

By father and mother, in the fifth commandment, are meant, not only natural parents, but all superiors in age and gifts; and especially such as, by God’s ordinance, are over us in place of authority, whether in family, church, or commonwealth.

In other words, father and mother are representatives for all authority. And so, the fifth commandment is setting the expectation for every child that no matter what stage or season of life they’re in – they will always be under some form of authority. 

Even now and again, I have to remind my kids that Daddy is in charge. And a response that I’ve gotten is a friendly reminder that the police are in charge of me. To be fair, that is correct. I’m not completely autonomous. I cannot do whatever I want whenever I want. I’m under authority in the church. I’m under authority when I get in my car to drive home—and the same is true for you. 

We’re all under authority, but due to our sin nature, we resist it. None of us like being under authority. At some point, we’ve all thought that our parents were ignorant. Not only is it hardwired into our nature, but our culture reinforces it, teaching us to question, mock, or outright reject authority. We see this in everything from entertainment that portrays parents as foolish, to workplaces that resist leadership, to a broader skepticism toward institutions and tradition. 

But that is to say that the authority we’re under has been established by God. And so, learning to live under authority is not about losing freedom—but embracing your God given status in life. And that training begins early, in the home, where children first learn what it means to honor, obey, and trust those whom God has placed over them.

Again, there are limits to the authority that is over you. God doesn’t call you or me to blindly follow all authority. In fact, if an authority instructs you to sin, as a Christian it is your duty to resist that. 

But again, Westminster Larger Catechism 124 makes it abundantly clear that father and mother are authoritative representatives for every sphere of life: your family, your church, and your country.

And so, when more and more people reject the fifth commandment or churches fail to teach it, it’s only a matter of time before society collapses. When you see things through this lens are you really surprised that we have a fatherlessness crisis in America?

And when that foundation erodes, the consequences multiply quickly. If children are not taught to honor their parents, they won’t honor church leaders, employers, or even governing authorities. A rejection of parental authority is representative of rejection of all authority. That’s why the penalties in Old Testament Israel were so heavy on disobedient children. They weren’t simply unruly children—they were anarchists. 

At the end of the day, teaching children to honor their parents and by extension the authority structures that God has placed in their lives, you are shaping far more than behavior—you are shaping their hearts.

Healthy walk with God

Oftentimes, inward formation begins with outward conformity. The aim is that, over time, children will not only come to understand what is expected, but their hearts will grow to fear the Lord and love the good, the lovely, and the beautiful. 

Of course it’s true that only God can change hearts, but it’s also true that God ordinarily works through his ordained means, like for example, faithful parents, who teach, correct, pray, and model what it looks like to walk with the Lord.

So your task is one of stewardship. You are planting seeds, cultivating soil, and trusting God for the growth. You open the Scriptures with them, you pray for them and with them, you discipline them when they stray, and you show them what repentance looks like in your own life.

And in doing so, you are pointing them beyond yourself—to a heavenly Father who is perfectly good, perfectly wise, and perfectly worthy of their honor.

I’m sure that many of you noticed that there is a promise attached to the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

The promise to children who honor their parents is long life in God’s land. Of course, this carried a very specific meaning for the people of Israel. Remember, we are in the context of Exodus 20. Earlier in the book, a defining event had taken place—the Exodus, where God delivered His people from slavery in Egypt. Following that deliverance, He promised to bring them into a land flowing with milk and honey.

But the land represented far more than just a desirable place to live. The Promised Land was a tangible expression of God’s favor and blessing. So the promise attached to the fifth commandment is communicating that God’s blessing ordinarily rests upon those who honor their father and mother. And we can see this borne out in everyday life: those who take the fifth commandment seriously tend to cultivate families marked by greater stability, health, and joy.

Now of course, we shouldn’t read this in a mechanical sort of way. We shouldn’t automatically assume that if you honor your father and mother everything is going to go perfectly for you and your family. It’s a general promise that honoring your parents and all authority for that matter, tends to lead to stability, peace, and well-being for generations to come. 

That’s a promise worth clinging to. 

But there’s something even more foundational to the fifth commandment that we cannot overlook. Training a child to honor his father and mother is preparing them for a lifetime of honoring God.

Because the home is the first place a child learns that they are not ultimate—that they are under authority. When a child learns to obey, to listen, and to show respect even when it’s difficult, they are being shaped to understand what it means to live under God’s rule.

It shouldn’t be a surprise to any of us that if a child grows up resisting or rejecting authority, that they will struggle to submit to God. But when honor is cultivated in the home, it lays a foundation for reverence, humility, and trust in the Lord.

So often we’re tempted to believe that the difference we’re going to make in the world is through our career, but the truth is, how you raise your children is going to be how you make a difference in the world.

Because long after your projects are forgotten and your accomplishments fade, the lives you shape in your home will continue on. Your children will carry your instruction, your example, and your values into their own families, their churches, and their communities. In that sense, parenting is not a small, private task—it impacts generations to come.

Every act of faithfulness in the home is a quiet investment in the future. As you teach your children to love what is good, to fear the Lord, and to walk in wisdom, you are sending out witnesses who will influence the world in Godly ways you may never fully see.

But I want to encourage all of us this morning, because I’m sure there isn’t a parent in this room who doesn’t have regrets.

And this is exactly where the gospel meets us. The hope of the Christian life is not that we have parented perfectly, but that Jesus Christ has lived perfectly in our place. 

That means your failures as a parent are not the final word. In Christ, there is grace to cover what is behind you and strength to move forward in faithfulness. You can repent, you can seek forgiveness—from God and if you need to, even from your children.

And perhaps most importantly, your children do not need a perfect parent—they need to see a parent who knows how to repent and trust in a perfect Savior. 

Amen. Let’s pray together.