Redeemed Roles, Radiant Marriage - Ephesians 5:22-33

Several weeks ago, I decided that in these weeks leading up to Easter, I would preach a very brief series on the family. First, we’ll look at marriage, second, we’ll look at children, and then lastly, we’ll consider what it means to leave a legacy.

One of the biggest issues that I’ve noticed in Christian marriages really centers around how to order or structure their marriage. Many couples enter marriage with good intentions, but with very little clarity about the roles and responsibilities that God has given to husbands and wives. And rather than building their marriage on the pattern laid out in Scripture, they often default to whatever model they grew up with or whatever the surrounding culture promotes. 

Without a clear biblical framework, confusion and disorder quickly set in. Expectations become unclear, responsibilities become blurred, and small frustrations can easily grow into large scale conflicts. That’s why it so important for Christian couples to intentionally ask, What has God actually said about marriage? When husbands and wives begin to shape their marriage according to God’s design, it brings clarity, stability, and a deeper sense of purpose to their relationship.  

Which is why Ephesians 5 is so significant. It’s more than just an analogy of Christ and His church for marriage, it provides all Christians, regardless of whether you’re married or not, with principles and guidelines for a happy, healthy, marriage.

And so we’re going to look primarily at the roles Paul outlines for us here in Ephesians 5. First, we’ll look at redeemed submission (vv. 22-24, 33) and then redeemed headship (vv. 23, 25-30).

Redeemed Submission (vv. 22–24, 33)

Now it really goes without saying that what Paul outlines here cuts against the wisdom of the age, particularly what he says in verse 22: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

Several years ago, a couple asked me to do their premarital counseling and we were looking at a book that talked about the idea of submission and the young woman told me she couldn’t read the book. And I asked her, why? She said because it talks about submission. 

But really, if you’re going to boil down the controversy, it comes down to that one word: submission. For whatever reason, submission has become synonymous with, as one author noted, “ideas of nasty, domineering men, making women wear burkas and not allowing them to drive.”

But notice that Paul doesn’t say that women submit to all men, they are only supposed to submit to their own husbands, as to the Lord. 

What Paul’s suggesting here, really isn’t that controversial at all. He’s instructing wives’ to respect their husbands. Which is exactly what Paul says at the end of verse 33, “let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

But even more than that, Paul is outlining the divine order within the household. Wives are supposed to recognize that God has placed headship and the responsibility of leading the household on the shoulders of the husband. And so at the end of the day, wives’ are to submit to their husbands’ leadership. 

Which is incredibly counterintuitive to our modern ears because culturally speaking, we’ve been led to believe that the healthiest marriages perfectly divide all responsibilities 50/50. That’s the winning recipe for marital success! The wife is responsible for half of the household duties and the husband is responsible for the other half of the household duties. And as long as everyone is perfectly doing their part—everyone will be happy.

But the truth is that’s not how God’s Word presents a thriving, God-honoring marriage. God’s Word doesn’t talk about equally dividing duties, rather it speaks to roles. Wives have a certain role. Husbands have a certain role. Men are to lead, provide, and protect and wives are to submit to his leadership. What Paul wants us to see is that marriages thrive when both the husband and the wife not only recognize but also embrace their God-given roles.

The rub is the hierarchical structure that’s laid out in these verses. Which is why even the church has, at times, tried to flatten what Paul says here. Some point back to verse 21 where Paul encouraged the church in Ephesus to, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” 

Some have tried to take Paul’s encouragement to humility as a directive for “mutual submission” in marriage. That both wives and husbands are supposed to mutually submit to one another. But of course that cannot be the case because of the analogy that Paul utilized. 

If Christ and the church are an analogy for the marriage relationship, then it really goes without saying that Christ and the church do not mutually submit to one another. Christ is the head of the church and the church submits to Christ. Notice what Paul says in verse 24: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

A wife’s submission to her husband is supposed to reflect the loving, trusting deference of the church to Jesus Christ. The way a wife follows her husband should mirror, in a much smaller way, how the church follows after Jesus Christ. 

So does that mean that the wife is supposed to be an overly agreeable robot? Like a Stepford Wife? And of course there are limits to a wife’s submission. You should never follow your husband into sin.

But as I look around, I’m not seeing too many mechanical robotic wives in this room anyway. You have to keep in mind that what Paul is describing here is the ideal marriage, and anyone who has been married for any amount of time will quickly remind you that it’s not perfect, because marriage is the covenanting and coming together of two sinners.

When you stop and think about it, it’s incredible that Christopher Columbus and the other early explorers did all their navigation by the sun and stars. The stars gave them the direction they needed to sail in. And in a similar way, what Paul outlines here, especially for wives, is a guiding star. It’s something to set your navigation to. It’s something to strive for. 

Wives, if you want to make your husband feel like he’s ten feet tall, and could fight a grizzly bear with just his bare hands, tell him that you love him, are grateful for how he leads your family, and that you’d follow him to the end of the earth.

Even if you don’t think your husband is leading in the manner that he should, if you say something like that to him, I promise you, he’ll feel the weight of the responsibility on his shoulders. 

But the call to submission is ultimately an act of faith—not merely in your husband, but in the Lord. When a wife willingly follows her husband’s leadership, she is expressing confidence that God’s design for marriage is good and wise.

In doing so, she reflects the posture of the church toward her Savior. The church does not follow Christ because He occasionally proves Himself worthy; she follows because He is her Lord. In the same way, a godly wife seeks to cultivate a spirit that gladly supports, encourages, and honors her husband’s leadership.

Redeemed Headship: Authority Shaped by the Cross (vv. 23, 25–30)

In verse 23, we’re told that, “the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” Whereas the wives are analogous to the church, the husband is analogous to Christ. That’s easy, right? Husbands, just represent Christ to your wives and family in your home. No big deal. 

But of course there is a model set forth for the kind of leadership that a husband should exercise. Namely, Christ’s love for the church. Paul goes on to explain that Christ, “gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her…”

What is absolutely crystal clear is that husbands don’t have unbridled authority over their wives, because the authority that’s been placed upon their shoulders is supposed to model Christ’s loving headship over the church. 

And this is really important because a home without a head is an invitation to chaos. As one commentator said, it’s like entering into battle without a commander. For excellent reasons, God assigned the husband the task of being the head of the wife and also the family. 

Yet at the same time, what do we know about how Christ leads the church? He never lords his authority or power over the church. His leadership is never harsh, selfish, or domineering. Instead, the authority of Christ is always expressed through love, patience, and sacrifice. He leads His people for their good, not for His own advantage.

When we look at the life of Christ, we see a Savior who consistently served those under His care. He taught them, protected them, corrected them when necessary, and ultimately gave His life for them. His authority was real and absolute, but it was exercised with perfect wisdom and compassion.

This has the potential to go in two ways for men: either they think that this is license to be domineering and exercise complete control over their wives and family, or they come to the conclusion that the most unselfish thing to do is to completely abdicate responsibility. 

They assume that if they never make decisions, never take initiative, and always defer to their wife, then they must be avoiding the danger of being controlling. In their minds, stepping back entirely feels like the safest way to be loving.

Husbands that’s not protecting or caring for your wife. How can you protect and present her as blameless if you make her protect herself? When a husband refuses to lead, he places a burden on his wife that she was never meant to carry. Instead of providing strength and spiritual direction, he leaves her to navigate difficult decisions and challenges without the support she desperately needs. Implementing Ephesians 5 into your marriage means that husbands must step forward, take responsibility, and ensure that she knows the direction you are leading her.

Abdicating responsibility does not serve your wife or your family well. In many ways, it simply shifts the burden that God intended for your shoulders onto your wife.

Biblical headship is not about control, but neither is it about passivity. A husband is called to lovingly take responsibility for the well-being of his household. That means making thoughtful decisions, seeking wisdom, listening carefully to his wife, and leading in a way that demonstrates humility and care. 

Unfortunately, we don’t really have time to go through verses 25-33 in significant detail, but what’s really important to notice is that the word love comes up over and over and over again. In verses 25-33 the word, love is mentioned six different times. 

As many of you probably know in the Greek there are several different words that are translated into love. But the word that Paul uses here is agape. And agape love is “to love, value, esteem, feel or manifest generous concern for, be faithful towards,” that’s the sort of love that Jesus loved the church with and it’s the love that he calls husbands to have for their wives. 

It’s the sort of love that is invested in the welfare of others. The husband is shepherd, leader, protector of his home who is patterned after Christ—the Savior of the church! 

Over the last several years I’ve read my fair share of books on marriage, and to be honest, with you all, I can’t think of one that I’ve been super impressed with. That makes it sound like I’m super hard to please, but I really don’t think that I am.

But there was one comment from one of the books that I read where the author said something along these lines: He said, “wives you should work hard to be as easy to love as possible, and husbands, you should be the kind of man who is easy to follow.”

Isn’t that great advice? Wives, do what you can to make your husband’s calling to love you a joyful task rather than a constant struggle. Cultivate a spirit that is gracious, patient, and respectful. Seek to build your husband up rather than tear him down. Encourage him when he is trying to lead well, and extend grace when he falls short. No husband leads perfectly, but a wife who shows kindness and support can be an incredible blessing to the man she’s married to.

And husbands, the same principle applies to you. You should strive to be the kind of man that your wife can gladly follow. Lead with humility, integrity, and sacrificial love. Don’t make leadership about control or getting your own way. Instead, make it clear through your actions that your greatest desire is to honor the Lord and care well for your wife and family.

When both spouses pursue this kind of posture, marriage begins to flourish. Love becomes easier to give, respect becomes easier to offer, and the relationship begins to reflect the beauty of God’s design.

The Mystery Revealed: Marriage Points Beyond Itself (vv. 31–32)

In many ways what we see here is a practical discussion of marriage. Wives, submit to your own husbands, and husbands love your wives. And yet, at the same time, it’s incredibly doctrinal as well, because it’s marriage that gives us a fuller picture of Christ’s love for the church.

Marriage is more than just two people learning how to peacefully coexist. It is one of the primary ways that God has chosen to display the gospel in everyday life. When a husband loves his wife sacrificially, patiently, and faithfully, he reflects something of the love that Christ has for His people. And when a wife respects and supports her husband’s leadership, she reflects something of the church’s joyful devotion to her Savior.

That means marriage is a living, breathing illustration of the gospel. God designed it so that the world could see, in small but meaningful ways, the beauty of Christ’s relationship with His people.

Of course, no marriage will perfectly reflect that reality. We are all sinners, and every marriage will feel the effects of the fall. But the goal remains the same. Christian husbands and wives should strive, by God’s grace, to live in such a way that their marriage points beyond itself to the greater story between Christ and His church.

Your marriage is far more important than just a private relationship. It’s where your children find stability regardless of their age, it’s where people see the daily outworking of your faith, and it’s often one of the clearest windows into what you truly believe about love, commitment, and sacrifice.

Your children and grandchildren are watching far more closely than you realize. They see how you speak to one another, how you handle disagreement, how you forgive, and how you show patience when life becomes stressful. Long before they fully understand theology, they are learning from the atmosphere of your home what love looks like and how a husband and wife are supposed to treat one another.

You should strive after a marriage that your children will look at one day and say, “I want what Dad and Mom have.”

And it’s not just your children who notice. Friends, extended family, and even those outside the church often observe the way a couple relates to one another. A healthy marriage quietly testifies that faith in Christ changes the way people live. When a husband and wife love each other with patience, grace, and faithfulness, it becomes a small but powerful picture of the transforming power of the gospel.

What Paul outlines here is very different from the kind of marriage “bean counting” that is far too common today: he took out the trash, but I did the dishes. When a marriage becomes a constant comparison of who has done more, it quickly turns into a competition rather than a partnership.

Don’t fall into that trap, because marriage is never going to be perfectly even. There will be seasons when one spouse carries more of the burden than the other. At some point you have to ask yourself whether you are willing to make sacrifices for your wife or husband.

Now that doesn’t mean becoming a doormat or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. But it does mean recognizing that love often requires you to give more. The real question is this: are you willing to sacrifice—not simply because your spouse deserves it at that moment, but because you love the Lord and you love the husband or wife He has given you?

When you embrace your God-given role in marriage, peace, contentment, and happiness begin to grow in ways that are often surprising. 

Not because marriage suddenly becomes easy, and not because every difficulty disappears, but because you are no longer fighting against the design that God has established.

So much tension in marriage comes from confusion about expectations. When husbands and wives both try to occupy the same role, or when they resist the responsibilities God has given them, it can create constant friction. But when each spouse humbly seeks to fulfill the role God has assigned, there is a sense of order that begins to take shape in the home.

A husband who lovingly leads and a wife who willingly supports that leadership create an atmosphere where trust can flourish. Decisions become clearer, communication becomes healthier, and both spouses begin to feel the security of knowing that they are working together rather than competing with one another.

And over time, that kind of harmony produces real joy. It’s the quiet joy of a marriage that is functioning the way God intended—a home marked not by rivalry or resentment, but by cooperation, mutual care, and a shared desire to honor the Lord.

That kind of home becomes a place of refuge. It’s where burdens can be shared, where forgiveness is practiced regularly, and where both husband and wife know they are deeply loved and supported. 

And that stability shapes the entire household. Children grow up in an environment where love and respect are modeled daily. Even in difficult seasons—financial strain, illness, stress, or disappointment—the marriage provides a steady foundation. When a husband and wife follow God’s design for marriage, their life together becomes a quiet witness to the transforming power of faith in Jesus Christ.

Amen. Let’s pray together.